One thing that has always mystified me since Roman Abramovich’s arrival is the way decisions are taken at Chelsea. Or rather why they are taken. Some defy any kind of logic known to mankind. Starting with the premise that Roman is no fool, it is even more baffling trying to understand some of the goings on at the club over the last five years. So if you have any plausible explanation for what follows in this piece, please come forward and enlighten the masses.

 The Big One. Why in the name of God was Jose’ sacked? The official story is that he fell out with Roman Abramovich. Quite frankly I find it a bit hard to believe for the simple reason there was little day to day contact between the two. It’s not like Roman is a hands on person. Were there people with ulterior motives who drove a wedge between owner and manager?  Chief suspect – Pini Zahavi

 The Gallas sale. First things first. I do not in a million years believe in the famous own goal crap. Billy was our best defender in his time with us. For chrissakes he was voted into the PFA team of the year at LEFT BACK one year. Someone messed him around on his contract renewal/extension. From the business point of view we gave Arsenal a right back, a left back and a centre half, plus around 13 million quid in return for Ashley Cole. Does that sound like good business to anyone out there? Chief suspect – Peter Kenyon

 The Frank Arnesen appointment. He was brought in with great fanfare and looks like to be going out in a whimper. It is alleged that Spurs got 5 million quid compensation for him. When David Levy sits down to write his autobiography he will list this as the best piece of business he ever made. It’s not like Arnesen had set any houses on fires there. Apparently responsible for signing Kalou. Ha ha ha. Chief suspect – the Dutch “advisor” bloke whose name none of us know.

 The Robben sale. Ok he was injured for more than half the matches during his time with us. But by god, when he was fit there has never been a left winger like him in the Premiership. And no, I am not forgetting Ryan Giggs. Watch some La Liga matches on Sky if you need reminding what we’re missing. Chief suspect – Jose’

 The Diarra sale. In the few games that Diarra played in the blue shirt it was obvious that the lad was quality. So what do we do? We sell him to Arsenal for two million, who sell him on to Pompey at a ten million profit, who sell him to Real effing Madrid at another eight million profit. Then we go and pay over the odds for Mikel who, for all the plaudits this season, will never be half the player Diarra is. And if you think that Mikel is better than Diarra go watch NFL or something. – Chief suspect – Haven’t got a clue but someone extremely stupid

 The Wayne Bridge sale. I always thought that with Bridgey in the team we looked a better team. At least he can deliver an accurate cross fairly regularly. So ok, the coach thinks that Ashley Cole is a better player. Given we have no left sided player (I do not consider Malouda a real player) couldn’t Bridgey been given a role in front of Ashley Cole, a la Vialli with Babayaro and Le Saux? Chief suspect – Pini Zahavi

 The banishing of Paolo Ferreira. Has the guy committed some heinous crime that has been kept secret from the general public. Only Scolari and Grant can answer this really. Bosingwa, good going forward but abysmal in defence, is having a nightmare of late. Paolo has never let anyone down and was a very valuable member of the two Premiership winning sides. Come on Phil, as that prat Jamie Oliver would say, try something new tonight. Chief suspect – Scolari

 The Eidur Gudjonsen sale. The story is that Eidur left because he wanted more first team football. So he goes to Barcelona where he plays even less. Reminds me of the story when Gordon Durie wanted to leave Chelsea to be nearer to his family in Scotland and then went to Spurs. Eidur was unequalled when it came to breaking down teams through the middle. His awareness and killer passes led to many a chance being created and goals being scored. Which, when you think about it, is what we have been so miserably poor at this year. Chief suspect – haven’t got a clue

 The Avram Grant/ Luis Felipe Scolari appointments. Grant came from nowhere and looks like going nowhere since he left. Scolari won a World Cup but who wouldn’t with a team containing, Cafu, Roberto Carlos, Rivaldo, Ronaldo at his best and six other world class players. He won the Copa Libertadores God knows how long ago but failed to win the European Championship with an excellent Portughese team on home soil. Avram Grant won a couple of Israeli championships by the way. And I won a couple of Maltese under 15 waterpolo championships. Chief suspect – Pini Zahavi

 And finally. Who exactly does what at Chelsea? We read of advisors, sporting directors, chief executives, head of scouting, chief this and chief that. Talk of too many chiefs. Can’t we just have one guy in charge like (cough, splutter… sigh) Man U do? Seems to work for them. Chief suspect – Pini Zahavi