This week I am going to be spending a lot of time on my computer, I’m going to Google a lot of questions that I really need the answers to.

Question 1 – Will Christine leave Frank and run away to Spain with Wayne Rooney?
Computer says…”no.” Oh.

Question 2 – Next season, will Chelsea win every single league and Champions League game, drawing none, losing none without conceding a single goal, and, if I place a one pound bet at odds of 400,000,000,000,000/1, will I win and become the worlds richest person?
Computer says…”no.” Oh okay.

Question 3 – Will the government ban super injunctions, allowing the News of the World to expose an international footballer as a cross-dressing transsexual?
Computer says…”no.” Might to try Yahoo then …

Question 4 – Will Roman Abramovich discover a new oil field and diamond mine in his back garden, becoming a billion pounds richer and spend it all buying the entire Barcelona team and the Nou Camp, and then, with four massive helicopters, lift it up and carry it all the way over to Earls Court for our new 90,000 seated stadium?
Computer says…”no.” I’m not doing very well here.

Question 5 – Will the two fat blokes I sit between change their season ticket this summer so I don’t get squashed every game?
Computer says…”no.” Google and Yahoo are so useless, I’m going to use Bing.

Question 6 – Will QPR be mathematically relegated before Christmas?
Computer says…”yes.”

Wow! Result! I love Bing.