Monday 8 October
Ashley Cole has been charged with calling the Football Association twats. He has until Thursday to tell them where to go.
Ryan Bertrand will join Ash in the England squad after Kieran Gibbs pulled out with an injury.
Meanwhile in Germany, you couldn’t make this up, Kevin De Bruyne has been quoted as saying he thinks the Germans are stiff and Werder Bremen does not feel like a family. He immediately denied the specifics on Twitter saying that the interview had been translated from Belgian.
This column is translated from Suomi-Hungarian every week, which is why we problems are have.

Tuesday 9 October
The FA proudly opened St George’s Park, a couple of members of the prominent Windsor family were photographed with the players before the FA got down to answering questions about Ashley Cole.
The FA must be delighted that instead of a stream of questions about why the complex was ten-years late, cost over £100m and will do nothing but find a more scientific way to get centre-halves to find row Z or hoof it into the channels for the big lad, they sat an patiently answered questions about swearing, Twitter and ethics.

Thursday 11 October
Ryan Bertrand is in hot water for tweeting a rude word: “Do you think a ‘sore throat’ could stop me being a part of a match for my club or country? #yourfcukingnuts”. It is simply appalling, disgusting and a shame on the education system and football that an England left-back should suggest the fcuking nuts that belong to you rather than the fact that you are fcuking nuts. He has a virus and he has apologised.
Frank Lampard has a calf problem and both have withdrawn from the squad. They will be treated at Cobham before rejoining the team on Sunday, if fit.
After his captain was forced to retire, his best left-back was called a liar and now a replacement left-back was rude Roy Hodgson raised the energy for one last press conference about morals and manners rather than football. It is almost enough to make you feel sorry for him.

Oscar scored the first two goals as Brazil eased to a 6-0 drubbing Iraq in Sweden. Ramires and David Luiz also played.

Friday 12 October
England 5:0 San Marino
Ugh, we discovered an excellent way of watching turgid England encounters – on fast forward. Slowing down for chances and goals meant this game was only about fifteen minutes in total. It also underlined that you can have all the sympathy and good will towards Roy Hodgson you like until he puts a team on the park, suddenly you remember why he was the wrong man for the job.
Here he stuck to the trendy 4-2-3-1 and clearly didn’t understand that you don’t really need two holding midfielders against a side that gets a nose bleed anywhere over halfway. So we had Carrick and Cleverley stumbling over each other in the middle and no width. Any time Oxlade-Chamberlain or Lennon got the ball wide they tucked back into the middle.
Ultimately it is down to the coach. Did they spend all week working on breaking down a ten-man defence or Tweeting about how nice St George’s Park is?

Branislav Ivanovic will be humble in training next week as Belgium travelled to Serbia and the home team unravelled 0-3. Kevin De Bruyne set up one and scored his first international goal. In the Czech Republic’s home game against Malta, Petr Cech had to make a last ditch penalty save to keep the score at 3-1. Fernando Torres watched from the bench as Spain won 4-0 and Connor Clifford was called into the Republic of Ireland’s squad to play Germany only to watch from the bench as his elders and betters were thrashed1-6 in Dublin.

Special mention today for Charles Green for being ignorant-wazzock-of-the-week. Green is the Chief Executive of Glasgow Rangers and has been opening his gob on the subject of a European League. Using figures plucked from his imagination to back up a suggestion that Arsenal and Manchester United would get more out of playing Barcelona every season than from Southampton. He asserted that it is what fans want – he can have talked to very few – and that Rangers were sure to be involved – although Queen’s Park sit proudly ahead of them in the Scottish league division three.
Various wa*kers in charge of Rangers have fantasised in the past about joining the English league because they have no respect for their fellow Scottish clubs and are greedy beyond measure – see, the events of the summer, during which their arrogance and stupidity were truly exposed – it seems Green is skipping even that step and going for Euro domination.
Perhaps Rangers could break away altogether and form a league on their own. Playing with themselves in public seems, after all, to be all that their board are good for.

Saturday 13 October
Obi John Mikel and Victor Moses both enjoyed themselves against Liberia as Nigeria ran out 6-1 winners with both scoring and setting up colleagues. The pair will now miss late January and early February at the cup of nations. And yes they do seem to come round more often than blue moons but they are trying to change the sequence so they no longer clash with World Cup years.

Sunday 14 October
Neither Frank Lampard nor Ryan Bertrand have recovered from their illnesses, calf strain and sore throa – oh no, better not – virus respectively.