This Week: West Ham did us no favours against L’arse last weekend. But what a great mid-table clash that was between United and Everton on Sunday. Fellaini is a bellend. A loveable, incompetent, criminally ginger-afro-wearing, hilarious bellend. United don’t get the results they deserve, according to He Who Will Not be Named. Nothing like a bit of nonsensical f*ckmuppetry from him to crown a great weekend. On the contrary I reckon he might be getting everything he deserves. And I always said that Jack Wilshere bloke would go far. (although I was thinking Parkhurst on possession with intent to supply) Hurrah Bournemouth. After moaning about how turgid the MNF fixture was, I was given a very sound bit of advice by Granville (new sitcom alias) “I have a rule, never to watch what would be the last game on MOTD, live.” Wise words.

Willian celebrates against Manchester City
Willian “He saw the light.”

In other news I thought we were pushing it with our airlines and F1 teams, but it transpires that United have an “official pillow and mattress” partner. Probably not helping HWWNBN with his sleepless nights. And here’s something to make you smile. Willian has been talking about Sp*rs. he “admits snubbing Rottenham to fulfil his Chelsea dream was the best moment of his life: “I said I’m sorry but I have to go there. I don’t care.” Speaking of which, what a perfect end to Sp*rs’ own version of Brexit. They won, and it meant absolutely nothing because they had already folded like the petulant footballing jellyfish that they are.

The Others: This weekend kicks off with Watford and Everton, with both looking to climb the table towards the European places. At 3pm on a Saturday (yes, apparently some people still get to play at this hour) L’Arse take on Stoke to try and close the three point gap to us and the summit, Burnley are at home to Bournemouth, Hull play Palace and Swansea host Sunderland as both look to dig themselves out of a looming relegation struggle. After our fixture on Sunday, United take on Sp*urs (please Santa, I’ve been really good, can I have four red cards, three broken legs, two disallowed goals, a thirty man brawl and a complete meltdown from Jose? And a draw) At the same time, Southampton take on Boro and the last game of the weekend is the Scouse hosting West Ham. Can’t think of two sets of fans that deserve each other more.

Our Game: Don’t even get me started on the kick off time. Bang goes my weekly breakfast treat of a massively crispy bacon sandwich with the old dear. I haven’t broken it to her yet.

These Press Plebs are a glass half empty lot. They spent the minutes waiting for Antonio to arrive for his press conference moaning to each other about how depressing life is in January, when Christmas is finished. Although whether or not they have souls is debatable in some cases, so I suppose this outlook should not be surprising. Their kids are probably getting lumps of coal and a day off from chimney sweeping. Contewatch: (Each week I evaluate how close to a complete meltdown the manager is, based on the Jose scale. The more dishevelled, ranting and tramp-like a manager becomes, the more likely he is to be given a fat pile to just go away) Defcon 1 for Antonio today (1 is normal, 5 is HWWNBN in his last weeks at Real Madrid) This was despite the first dumbarse question being “Do you accept you are title favourites?” Conte pointed out we aren’t even halfway through the season. Second dumbarse question was “How satisfying was it watching Manchester City lose their cool?” Sigh. “What have you done to Diego?” Was marginally more amusing. But not as much as “Are you signing Pirlo?” because he happens to have visited the manager at Cobham. But wait, then we got “Are you monitoring Alexis Sanchez because he hasn’t signed a new contract with Arsenal?” So after half the TV section of the PC was wasted on b*llocks like this, they actually asked him a question about, you know, the match we are playing on Sunday.

JT still recovering, Oscar is sick, a couple of others they will look at tomorrow, but he didn’t name names. Matic has been back in training since Tuesday, but he hasn’t selected the eleven yet. He is going to wait until after training tomorrow to decide who plays. The Press Plebs flagged who are next five fixtures are against and implying what massive failures we would be, and what a field day they would have if we don’t win them all. Conte responded to this genius by telling him how much he stresses to the players that they have to concentrate on each game and on just doing their own job. Because we know, as well as the Press Plebs do, that there are no bloody easy games in this league. Unless they are against United, Mwhahhahahahahahahahahaah (Evil panto laugh.)

We are going for our ninth consecutive win. And not to tempt fate, but the club record is 11. West Brom, however, are doing ok on the road – they’ve only lost twice, so don’t imagine this is going to be a walkover. If we get an early goal then it could be a great afternoon. But the longer they hold out, the more the game plays into Pulis’s boring hands. Basically we need to turn up, put in the effort and be clinical, because to tank points this weekend after having beaten two top four rivals would be a bit sad.

Contribution from Alex Churchill
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