So, I’ve been thinking about Mark Clattenburg and I think if we’re honest we all know we’re being a bit harsh on him. He’s doing a tough job under very difficult circumstances, he can’t afford to make a single mistake lest it’s scrutinized in super slow mo CGI recreations and he’s branded a fool, he has to make instantaneous decisions that affect the outcome for millions, and it’s not like he has clear guidelines from the FA for support. Let’s cut the guy a bit of slack, let’s recognise the stress…

Ah screw it. I can’t say that bollocks. Clattenburg has dropped yet another clanger and once again it tumbles in favour of Man U. That second yellow was a disgrace and he knows it. If he’d had bigger balls he’d have consulted with his linesman and reversed the decision. Then again, if he’d had bigger balls he’d have recognised when Nani was clearly not playing within the spirit of the game by stuffing what ought obviously have been called a free kick in the back of Gomez’s net. Or maybe spotted the ball when six feet over Roy Carroll’s line. Yeah, I know, that was years ago and blah blah, but you know what? The fact that it was years ago and I still remember it as if it were yesterday just goes to show what a calamitous decision it was. Everyone makes mistakes, but when The Clatt makes them, boy does he deliver. Icing? You want some icing on that cake? Fine, slap an offside goal on top to decide the match. Oh but it’s hardly Clattenballs’s fault. Right, and the Deepwater Horizon disaster wasn’t Tony Hayward’s fault but he still carried the shit-can. It comes with the title, and the Porsche. You want to be left alone? Go open a vegan restaurant in Gateshead. You want to make decisions that settle the outcome of matches watched by millions and drop clangers? Get ready for some shit-can-carrying.

You know what? I think we should just give Clattenburg what he wants: recognition. The dude likes the attention, so fine, here’s a bit of immortality: henceforth any flamboyantly made erroneous decision that causes irredeemable damage to the balance of a football match is dubbed a “Clattenburg”. Also, the verb “to Clattenburg” will now mean making a catastrophic call that the perpetrator knows is wrong but hasn’t got the balls to reverse because, hey, that would make them look bad…

There you go Clattsybaby, that’s your legacy. You want to be the centre of attention? Well now you’re up there with the Cruyff turn, the Panenka and the Rudi Voller (haircut/tash combo). Uh-oh, he’s not about to clattenburg it? He is, he’s clattenburging. Classic clattenburg.

It could even transcend into general parlance, à la Roy Munson. Sarah Palin really clattenburged with her Blood Libel speech, or George Michael spent four minutes clattenburging during the Olympic closing ceremony. And ironically, if the latest charges against him are upheld, Clattenburg may have totally clattenburged his own career.

You want a legacy Clattsybaby? You’re welcome.

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