Right, so not wanting to stir up the hornets’ nest any more than it already has been, I think there are a couple of questions being bandied about at the bridge that need addressing. First of which is, is John Terry a racist? Well, I don’t know him, so this is just conjecture and my uninformed opinion, but he probably is. He’s probably an inadvertent racist who doesn’t realise that calling someone a black c**t is racially offensive. “But he is black” I can imagine him saying, which is to overlook hundreds of years of oppression and exploitation and is, therefore, racially offensive.

So is he a racist? Probably – but not in a mean way; just in a dickish way. I don’t believe he thinks whites are ethnically superior to blacks, or anyone else, just that he casually lobs around racist abuse when he’s pissed off. Which leads to the question: is John Terry a dick? Almost certainly. His behaviour off the field has been dickish for some time, and his behaviour on the field has recently demonstrated highly dickish qualities. Kneeing Sanchez in the thigh was not the act of an England captain and a club leader, it was the short-sighted petulance of a dick. And when he changed into his kit once we’d won the final, well, I’m not ignoring the critical role he’d played in the various qualifying rounds, but he’d still have got the recognition if he’d been wearing a suit. The fact is, he didn’t want the photos to record for all time that he’d missed the final owing to dickishness. He wanted to sweep it under the carpet, to pretend it hadn’t happened. In other words, even John Terry knew John Terry was a dick. So I don’t think there’s much debate on the subject.

But if he’s a dick, then so what? He’s our dick. He’s part of the family. And just as every family has some weird cousin who gets drunk at gatherings, eats all the good stuff and then hits on the fairy at the top of the Christmas tree, (if you don’t know who it is, chances are it’s you) you’ve just got to put up with it. They’re still part of the family. All you can do is hope they act a little less dickishly next time. So basically I’m saying, JT, we love you, but please try to be less of a twat.

Which brings us nicely on to the FA. Is the FA really a bunch of twats? On this one I don’t think there’s as much ambiguity. They have, obviously, no idea who to hire for the role of England manager, nor what sort of contract to offer. They have no idea how to cope with the detrimental influx of foreign players to the English league. They talk a big game but have demonstrated remarkable spinelessness when it comes to pioneering the use of technology. Instead they brownnosed UEFA and FIFA in a deluded belief that they’d win the World Cup bid, which they subsequently lost in spectacular fashion. But that’s ok, because we had the Olympic games where, oh yeah, the FA couldn’t even unite the United Kingdom enough to put together a representative team. No surprise that there’ll be no football team GB in Rio. Are they a bunch of twats? Yes, unequivocally. Twats. Just look at the way they undermined Capello’s position by failing to acknowledge the difference between being accused of a crime and being found guilty. Is it any wonder there is debate raging over the proliferation of diving and simulation in the game, of wage caps, of gross financial mismanagement, of inconsistent punishments handed out willy-nilly? The good ship may sail on, but the captain is down in the galley, elbow deep in marie-rose sauce.

So if they are twats (and they are) is Ashley Cole wrong to label them so on twitter? Well, obviously yes. Twitter, when used in that fashion, is kind of like the adult version of an angry teenager stomping upstairs and slamming the bedroom door. They want a really big slam, to express the unfairness of what’s transpired. Preferably so loud that it threatens to damage the plasterwork and gets mum racing upstairs with a wooden spoon. Twitter outbursts are babyish forms of expression that reveal the stinkiest part of celebrities. Ashley should have known better and is lucky to get away without a ban. On the plus side though, we did hear something interesting come out of Alan Shearer on MOTD. I’ve been waiting six years for that. Sadly instead of actually talking about it, Gary Lineker was too terrified of putting a foot wrong and so replied “right, well…” and changed the subject. Best get back to coercing fat kids into eating more crisps, eh Gary?

And while we’re at it, what’s the deal with the “not currently recycled” label on the back of food packaging? Which genius came up with that line? Not currently recycled makes it sound like it’s the recyclers’ fault that we’re chunking up landfill, when obviously you’re not going to contribute to recycling if you manufacture something out a material that’s “not currently recycled”. You know something? It’s not currently legal for me to blowtorch a speed camera. Does that make it my fault, or the law’s? Not currently recycled my ass.

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