See? You see how we know it’s a good signing? Because just like Jose Mourinho, his name slots nicely into a recognisable chant format and at the same time gives you scope for topical versatility. Get in!The best I could come up with for old Avram was to the tune of No Limits by 2unlimited: Grant, Grant. Avram Grant, Grant. Avram Grant, Grant. Avram… JT’s missed it. And that was never going to catch on, was it?

Scoooolari, oh-oh.
Scolari, oh, oh, oh-oh
He has – a furry top lip.
And we’ll win the Premiership,

Scoooooooo-lari, oh-oh.
Scolari, oh, oh, oh-oh
He has – a furry top lip.
And christiano ronaldo is sh*t

So we’ve got Big Phil… Big moustachioed Phil who’s won the World Cup with Brazil, the Copa Libertadores with Palmeiros and has taken Portugal to the finals of the European Cup. So just one blip on the CV there then Phil. I don’t want to put you down or anything, but getting to the finals just ain’t enough so you’d better return to your winning ways if you’re going to give the money man’s what he’s after.

But Big Phil’s a pro, clearly, because within a day of signing for Chelsea it’s been suggested that he’s using his position as Portugal manager to persuade Ronaldo to move to Real. Classic. Even if it’s completely fabricated, you just know it’s going to get the wind up Fergie.

Naturally it has put a bit of a spanner in the works for my Euro 2008 since I’d pretty much decided that Portugal we’re going to be my team to anti-support. Firstly, they’re too much a bunch of ponces, diving around, complaining, copycatting the Italians. Say what you like about Italy, at least they were original. Secondly, they knocked us out twice on penalties, and I bear grudges. It’s just something I do. And thirdly, well, it’s Ronaldo’s face isn’t it? So I don’t know what to do now, anti-support them, or hope for a good run for our new manager to generate more fear and caution within the Premiership teams. Perhaps I’ll return to Portuguese ambivalence.

What we should do is thank the FA’s repeated ineptitude for giving us this opportunity. Firstly, they idiotically approached Big Phil before a tournament in which it was clear that Portugal might meet England, so he rejected them out of hand. And then they went and lost to Russia to make sure Guus Hiddink was all booked up when we needed a replacement manager. Anyway, by fluke or design, we’ve got one of the world’s top managers at the Chelsea helm and that can only be good news.

To Avram, it was like a holiday romance that ended with the clap, thank you for the good times. I’ll call, I swear; to Jose, well, it’s finally over, you’ve moved on, we’ve moved on… Good luck with Inter, and if we should meet again, remember, our new man’s got a moustache, and he’s won the World Cup. Uh uh sister.

And to Big Phil, well…


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