I don’t know what’s going on with the laws of statistics these days but a fortnight after a 100 to 1 shot romped home at the Grand National, Chelsea draw 4-4 at home with Liverpool at odds of 500-1.

Does that make sense to you? or are we currently in some kind of reverse probability vortex where the impossible becomes commonplace? Looking at the evidence: Man U leaking goals; Liverpool actually achieving some sort of consistency; Alan Shearer slowly losing godlike status on Tyneside, I think it’s the only conclusion we can draw.

Obviously if you ask a scientist he’ll say that every now and then this is to be expected, that freakish statistical anomalies are, ironically, “normal”, and he’ll say it while shaping imaginary inverted commas in the air with his fingers. Mr Scientist will say that everything from the existence of this planet to the shape of your 90% unused brain is at some stage down to chaos and coincidence, and that the explanation of us being trapped in a reverse probability vortex is the least likely one there is. But I say, Hey! Hey Mr Scientist! Isn’t the least likely explanation exactly what you’d expect in a reverse probability vortex? hmm?

Scientists… they think they know everything and yet last time I checked it was 2009. I’ve seen Back to the Future part 2. Where’s my flying car? Where’s my hoverboard? I’ve a right mind to punch Mr Scientist right in the lab coat.

So anyway, we’re clearly in a reverse probability vortex, and to put this to the test I randomly punch seven numbers into my phone…

Unbelievably, it rings.
Hello? (a woman answers)
Hello, ( I pause…) is there something you need to tell me?
Mark, is that you? Why didn’t you come home for Easter like your brothers?
Shit. (I’d inadvertently dialled my mother.)

I hang up. Another unlikely outcome becomes reality.

Recently I had a conversation with a friend about who we’d rather win the Premiership, Liverpool or Man U. Obviously, this is purely hypothetical and hence without merit, but it was ten minutes before kick-off and he’d finished his sudoku.

Now obviously, we all loathe Man U, obviously, and Liverpool have shown some pluck to get where they are, but his argument was clear: better the devil you know. The thing about Man U fans is they’ve grown accustomed to winning and everyone else has grown accustomed to this too. These days, anyone who says they’re a Man U fan usually accompanies it with some kind of apologetic qualification: “but I have been to Old Trafford”, or “but my nan was born in Cheshire”, or “but I did get my elder brother’s Man U duvet cover when he defected to Blackburn” so we know where we stand with Man U fans. On the other hand, thanks to a prolonged period of ineptitude by Benitez, Liverpool haven’t really won anything in ages, so we’ve forgotten what annoying, squeaky headaches their fans can be. The last thing you want is for Liverpool to win the league, my friend said.

And maybe he’s right. Then again, Man U won against Porto and immediately I found myself wanting them to crash out to Arsenal. How can it be that after so many years loathing ‘the’ Arsenal, I now want them to win? It must be partly because I’m sick of Man U, but I think it’s also because after a prolonged period of silence, I’ve somehow forgotten how annoying the ‘the’ Arsenal fans really are. I’ve wiped their arrogant, prolier than thou snobbery, their insistence on putting ‘the’ in front of their team name, their unrepentant frenchness, in a word their twattishness, from my mind. And now I want them to win.

Also, what with this clearly being a vortex of unlikelihood, Chelsea are destined to beat Barcelona 7-6 on aggregate and face them in the final, and I just couldn’t handle seeing Christiano Ronaldo’s greasy face and staggered penalty run-up any more. And when you think about the one-sided commentary on ITV, Alex Ferguson’s perpetually chewing purple face, Van de Sar’s repetitive time-wasting, Vidic’s cynical foul play, Nani… Frankly, I’m just sick of Man U.

Facebook Comments