There isn’t really much left to say about England. Halfway through the Slovenia game I was totting up in my head if I have enough trips to the WW1 battlefields under my belt to start attempting to claim Belgian nationality. Was Eric born Dier or is it an ironic statement? He’s like the Zoolander of the England squad, if he tries to go in more than one direction and pass the ball back to the keeper it is a disaster. And am I the only person that is sick to death of listening to people talk about Wayne Rooney? He’s been an eternal disappointment as far as tournaments go. Him being rubbish is not news, even if he has racked up a record amount of goals against Montenegrin goat herders and postmen from San Marino. And it doesn’t say much about Hart’s stature as a keeper or his personality that he has only been on loan for a few weeks and I had already forgotten that he existed. That said, he was our best player. Sigh.

Elsewhere has it been such a slow news week that the press plebs had to fabricate a Conte sacking prophecy just to give themselves something to do yesterday afternoon? I can answer that question myself by flicking through the Daily Fail’s football headlines this morning. They include more of their turgid countdowns and gems such as: “Southgate is the Clinton to Allardyce’s Trump” (Firstly, Southgate hasnt got the tits to pull that off, secondly its a bit of a backhanded compliment to anybody to have it pointed out that you are a crook and not a moron, isnt it? Thirdly, Im not sure that Allardyce would get away with grabbing anyone by the p***y even if he WAS a billionaire) There is also a whole article dedicated to whether or not Bilic has had a hair transplant in the last fortnight and a comparison between Steve Bruce and Mr Potato Head. Thankyou Northcliffe, for bringing this to the world.

Nothing much going on as far as we are concerned the past two weeks apart from ticketgate. I’m not sure that West Ham’s blind stupidity/incompetence should be a justifiable reason for offering less than the minimum allocation to the away fans. There is no proper reason for it other than their inability to get their sh*t together, in which case if they can’t play by the rules they should have forfeited the advantage of a home tie and it should have been moved to The Bridge. The cynic in me thinks that if it had been say, the Scousers or the United fans on the receiving end the outcome might have been different. (City are irrelevant, they can’t fill their own stadium) Other than that it seems that our club now pays someone to dick around making Instagram collages now. Nice work if you can get it.

The others: Am I the only one that hates the early Saturday kick off because if you cock it up you then have to sit through everyone else’s match (or avoid them pointedly) while football moves on without you? After our weekend fate is sealed, Arsenal will take on Swansea, who will want to put some space between themselves and the relegation places and Bournemouth take on Hull. There’s an important top end fixture (draw please) between Man City and Everton, and a bottom of the table clash between Stoke and Sunderland. I hope Pulis has West Brom at his tedious, frustrating, borefest finest for the visit of Sp*rs. On Saturday evening there is yet ANOTHER televised West Ham game as they travel to Palace. I’m starting to think the head of match selection at Scouse Sports might be a Millwall fan who is collecting all of these hilarious defeats as football porn. Super Sunday, I feel, might be a bit of false advertising this week with Boro against Watford and then Southampton at home to Burnley. Perfect for me, as it is the old dear’s birthday and I can score some points by “missing” all my televised football. (She says she reads this blog, but I doubt it) God help us, if the Kloppites and their sh*t topknots get a twist of good luck and a victory at home to United on Monday night, they could be top. (In this scenario I think wed all rather see HWWNBN take three points) In which case it’s earplugs in, cancel the Sky subscription and dig yourself a bunker in the back garden. Because it will be unbearable.

Our game: Leicester’s away form has been shady of late, but to keep it interesting is the fact that we are quite often a danger to ourselves. The result was 1-1 in this fixture last year, and the last time we lost this one was in 2000.

Turns out the press plebs are even more annoying when they are chatting amongst themselves waiting for the press conference to start. Contewatch: (Each week, using all of my FBI profiling skills, meticulously absorbed watching 12 seasons of Criminal Minds, I will rate him on the Mourinho Scale, a careful and scientific calculation based on the premise that the more dishevelled and tramp-like a manager gets, the more he is about to strike the male menopause and have a total meltdown) Came in smiling, first question about being sacked prompted hilarious laughter on his part. Credit too to just laugh at the smug git who then went along the “well it is Chelsea” route whilst sitting at our stadium. I might have been tempted to shove that long pointy microphone somewhere instead. Defcon 1. (For those unfamiliar, 1 is normal and it goes up to 5 when the Russians are coming)

Willian understandably is on compassionate leave, and heartfelt sympathies go out ot him on the loss of his mum. No mention of when he may be back. The boss wouldn’t say whether JT starts, but he is available. And well done Tammy Abrahams, going great guns in the Championship. I can’t tell you how excited I am to see where we end up farming him out to next year instead of trying to nurture the talent we spend millions on fostering at youth level.

Leicester are hoping that Drinkwater will be fit, but Mendy is out with an ankle injury. Whilst I have nothing against them as a club, and obviously we love Claudio, I’d like a spanking controversial win just so I can run home for Match of the Day and watch Lineker squirm. (I like to think he’d be sitting on that awful sofa with his make up running, stuffing crisps in his face like a teenage girl that just found out Bieber was getting married) I put the likelihood of three points somewhere in between the possibility of the Scouse getting a penalty on Monday night to help them along and the much lesser chances that Courtois will manage to get to the end of the weekend without opening his mouth and pissing everybody off again.

Contribution from Alexandra Churchill

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