(NONE OF WHICH WILL HAPPEN BTW)
Since Roman Abramovich took over Chelsea, our performance graph looks like an upside down V. We finished fourth in the season before he took over and that’s where we look like finishing this year. Unless, that is, Roman takes my ten easy steps to Premiership and Champions League success.
- The bleedin’ obvious one this. Bring back Jose’. How the guy managed ninety minutes without a smirk on his face last Sunday is beyond me, a sign of supernatural powers no doubt. Which is what this team needs to win something this season. Talking about winning, we won sweet FA before he came, five major trophies with him in charge and back to sweet FA since he left. God you don’t have to be a mathematician to figure it out do you?
- Get rid of the adidas kit. We are blaming the coaches, the management, Roman and the tea lady for not winning trophies and our recent slump. But the trophy drought started with the change of kit. It is German you know.
- Get rid of Peter Kenyon. You are given one major task by your boss and screw up big time. It’s not going to look good at your end of the year appraisal is it? How in the name of God could Robinho ever have chosen Man City over Chelsea we will never know. The words “double” and “agent” spring to mind.
- Ban fancy coloured football boots. Since the appearance of these hideously coloured boots many of our players look like they have lost their willingness and ability to run and shoot. You can’t blame them. Running with an eyesore stuck to your feet cannot be easy.
- Sell Didier Drogba to Northwich Victoria. Bottom of the Conference, I’m sure they are looking for a burnt out, listless primadonna of a centre forward. Having said that, on present form Didier will be lucky to get into their team, thereby losing out on the much needed 50 quid appearance bonus.
- Get Drogba a pair of crutches. If Northwich Victotia decide that DD is not good enough and we have to keep him, a pair of crutches might do the trick. It helps to be upright when playing football and DD’s lack of balance has taken a turn for the worse this year.
- Admit that we got it all wrong in the transfer market for the last two years. Ship out Malouda, Bosingwa, Deco, Kalou, Ivanovic and Alex. Failing that, get a heart surgeon to perform a few transplants.
- Clone JT, Lamps and Essien (and Ballack of the second half of last season). And play the embryos instead of some of the overpaid so called stars currently wearing our beloved blue shirt. At least they will have heart.
- Get rid of all the hangers on around Roman. Starting from Frank Arnesen and all the others who are too many to mention and we don’t even really know the names of most of them anyway.
- If all else fails, put me in temporary charge until the end of the season. You know my battle plan. Now it’s a question of putting it in place. At the end of the season I will retire gracefully, with a Champions League winners medal to go with my second division reserves waterpolo medal from 1982, never to have to work again as long as I live.