It’s been a busy week. Apparently some bloke without a forehead has retired, giving the press plebs a license to run riot in eulogising someone who has won the league precisely as many times as I have. 

I’m sure the red TV mafia will snap him up, got to keep that quota of 50% Scouse on every pundit panel up somehow. And it doesn’t appear to matter that only 2% of the population can make out what they are saying. Here’s to Stevie Me, who will be forever remembered for falling flat on his face after telling the world “this does not f*cking slip” and then scrambling around like a knob on the floor as Demba Ba lolloped (great word) off into the distance. In other news Samuel Eto’o is apparently going to jail for tax evasion, for longer than some murderers, and Mikel might be off in January. He may be like marmite, but God speed to a faithful servant if that be the case. Only JT has been with us longer.

Who would have thought that the Champions League would be so entertaining when we weren’t in it? I’ve just about finished laughing. Ok, that is a lie, every time I think about their abrupt exit I start giggling again. Call me Scrooge, but I’m bored of the Leicester love-in. They made the knockout stages, woo. But if I have to listen to a tale of non-league football rags to riches repeated for the 300th time, or one more anecdote about how one of them used to bend safety pins into shape in a darkened factory whilst being fed gruel from a drip on seven, 23 hour shifts a week, I might actually chew off my own arm. This state of mind has been muchly helped along by the smugness of the likes of Gary Lineker and Robbie Savage, neither of whom can ever claim to have added to any glory won by their former club. Also, Savage’s quiff? What is that? Is it just going to keep expanding until dragged down one day by the weight of hairspray, he just faceplants the floor and can no longer pick his head up?

The Others: In the early Saturday kick off, Burnley (who are on television more often than a f*cking Kardashian at the moment) face City. At three Hull won’t fancy theirs much after West Brom handed Burnley a drubbing last week. Leicester will hope to transfer some of this European form into Premier League points at home to Boro, while the Scouse, who seem to have an easy fixture every week, are at home to Sunderland. Palace travel to Swansea. There’s a triple header on Sunday – don’t think I’ll be bouncing out of bed for the 12:00 kick off which sees Watford host Stoke. The Goons kick off against Bournemouth at 14:15, by which time I might have surfaced. Hopefully West Ham will choose this weekend not to lose for the first time since, well, since they beat us, when they travel up to see HWWNBN. And at the same time (16:30) Southampton will prove a challenge for an Everton side that have frankly been flaccid (another great word) for the last few weeks.

Our Game: So fresh from yet more well-deserved heartache, they haven’t got a left back. Victor Moses is currently doing the running man in his living room at the thought of that. They haven’t got one of their centre backs, either, but the other (who also happens to be one of the most vicious, cheating turds in the game)apparently might fill that void on the left with his cartoon face and his late kicks and constant whinging. Other than that, apparently they are without Lamela too. I know, I wouldn’t have noticed either if I hadn’t been told.  Incidently Chelsea are betting favourites at home to Tottenham, which sounds about right looking at the two teams’ respective forms.

Contewatch: (each week I assess our manager based on the Jose Scale – the more dishevelled and tramp-like a manager becomes, the closer they are to a complete meltdown and a multi-million pount payout) Unsurprisingly, given that we are ahead of everyone at the moment, Antonio is cruising at Defcon 1. (This is normal, it goes up to 5 when the Russians are coming) JT has pulled something, which probably explains footage of him squeezing his thighs up and down on Instagram, but Willian could return. Other than that we are fine and dandy.

Prepare yourself for many, many choruses of “2-0 and you fucked it up,” and “We Cost You The League,” because, let’s face it, that was the stand out highlight of last season. Apparently they have got one win in their last nine (a jammy one against West Ham, at that) but they haven’t actually lost either. It is, however, more than a quarter of a century since they last got one over on us at the Bridge. I am glad that this is the second fixture after an international break, and not the first. Hopefully with another week to settle back in, while they were busy imploding (again) on the continent gives us the edge. I’m going to go with 2-0, but I wouldn’t be hugely surprised if they break our non-conceding run up, probably with something outrageous like a dubious penalty.

When people start clapping on the 63rd minute, join in. It’s for Robert Huxley, MHL season ticket holder who was one of seven people killed in the Croydon tram crash a short while ago. #RIPBlueBob

Contribution from Alexander Churchill

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