The others: United take on Leicester in the early kick off on Saturday. Potentially more amusement for us as far as the formers’ new Messiah is concerned. Should be quite evenly matched, I certainly wouldn’t want to call it on an accumulator. Anyone that thought HWWNBN was going to turn over a new leaf at United appears to have been higher than a Rastafarian on a weekend bender in Amsterdam. Just looking at the headlines that go with this new book makes me glad that he is not our problem anymore. You’ve got to question the sanity of someone who allows publication of something like that when he is still trying to operate as a professional in the world of football. Those are the kind of bridges you burn when you’re ready to join the local bridge club and consider the high point of your day to be listening to the Archers or chatting to people in the queue at the post office while you wait for your pension. Obviously I await Pogba’s massive contribution to the game that will get his rating about £6.5m I’ve tallied so far.

At 3pm, God help us if Bournemouth don’t get something at home to Everton. We’ll have to listen to another week of the blue Scouse singing about how they are going to win the league. Fair play on a point against Sp*rs (at home) on the opening day, but so far the rest of their opposition has been Stoke, Sunderland, West Brom and Boro. Let’s not get carried away just yet. Come back in mid-December when you’ve had some more threatening opposition. Klopp’s pony-tailed band of nivea-hawking self professed pretty boys take on Hull at home, Boro host Sp*rs, who have had Harry F**king Kane ruled out till mid-November. (Sniffle) Stoke will do their best to try and get off the bottom at home to West Brom, but Sunderland also have just a single point and will want to try and get something out of Palace. Lastly on Saturday afternoon Swansea host Pep, whose “war of words” with Yaya Toure is about as compelling as Michael Owen doing the audiobook of an expanded history of cheese labels. The promise of Charlie Austin might be enough (just) to convince me to watch West Ham take on Southampton on Sunday, but I’d imagine that viewing figures on Sky for Burnley vs. Watford on Monday night will be about the same as if Robbie Savage made a documentary about Michael Owen making an audiobook about cheese labels.

Our game: Contewatch: Not having a good hair day today – but a picture of calm and serenity, which is more than can be said for some of his rivals this week. Defcon 1. (no need to start raiding Aldi for the tinned goods and bottled water yet) What did the press plebs waste their limited time with him on this week? HWWNBN and Wenger. Given that JT went from hourly updates of applying what looked like roll on deodorant to his rapidly healing ankle in an effort to convince everyone that he was not broken to total silence on Instagram it doesn’t come as any great suprise that he isn’t fit. Conte hasn’t decided whether to start Cesc yet. That’s about as truthful as one of Hilary Clinton’s whoppers, but of course he isn’t going to tell them. We did get an update on Zouma – we’re hoping to have him in training next week. Hurrah. Possibly he might be available for selection after the international break. (Yes, another one. Already.)

I tried my hardest (well, about three and a half minutes) to find a fun fact about Arsenal. But it seems that Wenger had successfully sucked every last but of whimsy and humour out of the club during his 200 year reign. I did find a joke that almost made me laugh: Why do Arsenal fans whistle on the toilet? So they know which end to wipe. Giroud faces a late fitness test, (probably suffering complete disorientation and lack of vision where his stupid beard is taking over his face) but Ramsey, Welbeck, Mertersacker and Jenkinson (I know, who?) are all defnitely out.

I’m going to go for a victory tomorrow, but only if Fabregas starts and we prevent ourselves conceding nearly every time the opposition has a shot. It’s in hope more than definite expectation. Seeing the players that they’ve got missing and what it does to their threat on goal I’d be disappointed if we got nothing. Here’s a happy thought. If this weekend really goes tits up, we could be as low as 12th. Plus side, though, if we win, we go above them and more importantly, possibly above Sp*rs.

Contribution by Alexander Churchill

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